In Your Wounds - A Poem & Prayer

Broken & Loved.

TW: Mental Health

So, I'm currently laying in bed, thanks to shingles. You read that right... SHINGLES. But that's a story for another time, if you should be so inclined to ask. What better opportunity to sit, pray, reflect and write than this...

It's funny... Rather, HE's funny - God, that is:

We grow to learn and know that the Lord is generous - very generous. He is merciful. He is a God of infinite chances. And the question is never whether or not God has answered our prayers. In retrospect I KNOW this is true: He will always answer our prayers. The question is whether or not we're listening. Wether or not we're willing to see His answer.

I have written before on previous blogs/platforms about how transparent I try to be about my mental health. I sometimes struggle with anxiety and, occasionally, depression. I've sat in very dark places. I've considered and attempted suicide. There is a lot of trauma I'm still working through and wounds that are still healing. It's a whole process - but with it, I know there's growth. Cliché, I know, but that does not make it any less true.

I'm going through this season of... rebuilding, if you will. It's a familiar season. I've been here before. The storm before the calm is how I've always chosen to see it. This time I had been struggling with my anxiety and fell into a depression. I have been struggling with feelings of unworthiness - feeling like I haven't been able to amount to anything... in all categories. It felt like I was failing all across the board. I felt meaningless, worthless. I had been mourning: I lost my aunt in the spring, lost my grandmother in June - the most heartbreaking event of my life, and going through change in workplaces - may sound simple enough, but its change regardless. I have been trying to heal from being completely stomped on by people who I thought loved me and I couldn't handle potentially failing or "losing" anyone else in my life. Did I mention that I have 4 tiny humans and work a full time job?

Eventually I fell into a dark place. I didn't want to wake up to any of it anymore.These dark places may as well be Hell, to be honest. The evil one drawing me to a place of literal no return...

My prayer, in form of a question, now was "WHAT do you want from me... You've let me come to the darkness, you've torn me open... What do you want? Why am I here?"

In the twilight of life, God will not judge us on our earthly possessions and human successes, but on how well we have loved" - St. John of the Cross

I try (emphasis on try) to live with one goal in mind. One goal for absolutely everything I do, everything I'm called to, for everyone who walks my way: "to love as God has loved me." Don't come at me; I know I'm not perfect, I know I have a surplus of room to grow. Somewhere along the way, though, I grew the audacity to hold back. I wasn't aware that this is what I was doing, but its as if I was resistant to, not love itself, but to fully loving. What good is love if it is not given and shared? The thing is, it's not a lack of love... I have so much of it - plenty to go around plus some. So what am I scared of? Rejection? Ridicule? No Reward?

Non nisi te, Domine...

I'll have none, but You, Lord.

I have all this love, but I was losing sight of my Lord. I was blinded by my selfishness. I had been creating boundaries to protect myself; to keep things out, to keep people out. Don't get me wrong though, boundaries can be healthy. They're not a bad thing. In my case though, these boundaries or walls I was creating were preventing me from living out my calling, my vocation: to love. Essentially, by creating these boundaries, I was unintentionally keeping the Lord out amidst everything else.

I have this fear of people leaving. Sometimes it feels like people find it so easy to leave me in the corner and leave me behind, like I'm just not enough. So I'll either hide or push them out. If I leave first, it won't be as bad for me. Regardless, what was I scared of? If I were to be living out my calling to the fullest, would it be so wrong for them to leave if what I had to offer was not what they needed? Rejection? Would that be a reflection of me? Surely not, if I know that I have done all I can to love them. Judgement? Ridicule? If one was to judge me for being kind and for loving others, for loving the Lord, simply because that is my calling, is that a reflection of me? Surely not, if I know that I have done all I can to follow Christ and love as He loves me. Reward? But I wish nothing more, but to be with my Lord. Isn't that the goal? So if they leave, what then? I lose nothing if I believe that I have the Lord and if I believe that He loves me.

And I do. I know the Lord loves me. I know He loves me in the way AJ loves me as his friend, his sister, his wife - in the way he prays for me and the way he dances with me in the kitchen. I know the Lord loves me in my children's smiles, in their kindness, in their sweetness. I know the Lord loves me in the way the ocean, so powerful and mysterious, calms every ounce of my being. I know the Lord loves me in the way my friends make me laugh - a literal overflow of pure joy. I know the Lord loves me because when I sit in those dark places, He continues to call out to me, picks me up and brings me home. EVERY. TIME.

So if He has chosen to love me in my brokenness. In my shame. In my selfishness. Through my boundaries... What would make any of you less than I? Nothing. If I, the chaos that is me, am worthy of the Lord and His love, you, I promise, are worthy of mine. It literally took weeks of anxiety, a depressive episode, a few hours in the dark place and literal shingles & face numbing for me to finally shut up and listen. To realize that the answer to all my problems was simple enough: Love more. God is love... Love on the good days. Love in brokenness. At least then, if I have loved as much as I possibly can, no matter how silly or "unrewarding" or excessive, then I truly have nothing to lose. Because if I am loving as much as I possibly can, then I know the Lord is with me.

You are loved. Period.

- C.

Ora pro nobis, Sancta Dei Genetrix.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Ready or Not, Here I Come... Back!

It has been a minute and a damn half since I've "written" anything and whether or not you've read any of my previous work on any of the numerous platforms that I'd shared on... Well, I'm back! I don't remember WHEN my last blog post was published, but I do remember a lot of what I shared were birth stories and new parenting wins and woes. So before I get hot and vulnerable, and with the likely-hood of you buying me dinner first being quite slim, allow me to at least (re-)introduce myself:

My name is Carmela Marie, a name that I proudly bare after Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. I'm a something-something year old Catholic mom of 4 fantastic tiny humans, married to their father - the love of my life and I reign from the Greater Vancouver Area of Beautiful British Columbia. Aside from being full-time mom/wife, I'm an Education Assistant by day, hair-stylist by trade, V0+ boulder-er, gaming newb, digital artist and shower concertist (it's a real word, look it up).

Something has drawn me back to a blogging platform, I'm not sure what, but if you're reading this, thank you for journeying with me. I suppose, at the very least, it will provide relief for those whose ears I would typically chat off (to those people & you know who you are... you're welcome). I hope I can provide a sense of peace, a glimmer of hope or realization that you are very much not alone.

If you're reading this, you matter and I'm so, so glad you are here.

- C.

Ora pro nobis, Sancta Dei Genetrix.

Soli Deo Gloria.